Past contributions from this correspondent have told many tales of woe. However, this one is all about everything going well. And why should this be? The answer is simple: Darren and I went to Portland, where the sun shines and you have to work really hard to scare or hurt yourself.

We left fairly early and arrived at the car park in Portland's New Beirut Council Estate at about half past ten. Not wishing to donate wheels, stereo and other removable parts to the local economy, we left and parked somewhere safer. The search for a suitable route (ie one in the sun) at Blacknor South became time-consuming as the path became ever more hazardous and overgrown, passing through a waterfall that spewed out of the Council Estate. Eventually, the path was completely blocked by nettles, but the very first route we had seen was now in the sun. Oh well, back through the nettles, waterfall, brambles and mud to climb a photogenic arête at 6a. The sun was now fully out and the temperature was perfect, neither too hot nor too cold. Even the bramble scratches and nettle rash were settling down.

Here's a question for you: why does someone go to the trouble and expense of drilling, bolting and climbing a two-star route only to call it 'Bum Droplets'? It's hardly calculated to attract praise or traffic, but mysteriously attract us it did and a fine route it was too, at 6b+. We had both found the photogenic thing awkward, but this was altogether far more satisfying. Darren was also persuaded to lead it under the illusion that it was 6b. His smile after flashing it and finding out it was 6b+ was as wide as Chesil Beach.

Next on the list was 'Turned to Stone', a fine flow stone puzzle, with a distinctly 'on/off', 'will/won't he' crux. I'm really not sure about some of this flowstone: call me old-fashioned, but I do prefer to know what I'm climbing and what it is attached to. Holds that look like half-chewed digestive biscuits just don't tick all the boxes for me!

Now, whatever people say about the quality of the climbing, the really great thing about Portland is the grade comparison chart at the front of the guidebook. This is a sure-fire way to boost your ego and grade without ever stepping in harm's way. According to this, we were surging through the E-grades and flashing E4. Flattering though this might be, it's a lie, because I can't do E4. Nevertheless, with a schoolboy giggle, we added up the tally to 10 E-points so far. By the close of play, we had it up to 18, with Cliché upon Cliché, Fear's Younger Brother and the one next to it added to the score. The star tally reached about a dozen. Surreal numbers all round: it must have been the flavour of the day though, because England beat Germany 5-1 in the car on the way home. It was an awful squash……